Desert Rose
by I Am Sweden
Summary: Ten years after the end of FFIX, all is well again. Alexandria flourishes under the rule of Queen Garnet and Zidane. But things all take a downturn when Mikoto brings Kuja back to life to give him a second chance. Kuja is a tiny bit OOC.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, everyone! So... this is another Kuja fanfic. This is about what happens after FFIX, ten years into the future. But Kuja is back? Of course! Hello, why do the badguys who suddenly turn good always die!? It's just not fair! So now he's back, and he's starting to regret it.**

**I DON'T OWN ANYTHING. Except for a few original concepts and all that, but you get the point. Anyway, BRING ON KUJA!**

* * *

**Desert Rose**

**Chapter 1-**

My lips were dry- as if I were a fading, wilted rose in the midst of the harsh desert terrain of the Outer Continent, sand laden wind tossing me to and fro. With the bright light above me, I believed this to be true. Perhaps this wasn't just another withering dream- but if this was truly a reality, I wasn't sure I liked it.

"Is… is that supposed to happen? Is he supposed to mutter pithy quotes?"

"This Kuja we're dealing with, remember? You know how he was."

Was…. What did that mean? And certainly I wasn't talking aloud, was I?

"Uh, yeah, you are. Can you sit up?"

The speaker sucked in a breath as the other speaker hit him. "He just woke up, you fool! If you've been dead for ten years, you wouldn't want to rush, now would you?"

I snapped my eyes open, they quickly being burned by the bright light.

"IT'S ALIVE…." a child, maybe five or six, gasped in total awe. "Aunt Miki, it worked!"

"Shh, quiet now, Brahne," an older woman with a regal air about her said.

Brahne… why did that seem familiar? Wasn't she…. Yes. The elephant lady; once a ruler of Alexandria, I believe. Hadn't I been the one to kill her? I think that would be a yes, too. Horribly greedy, that woman was. Ah, but she did make a fine puppet.

"Zidane, quit waving your hand over his face!" Mikoto- my own sister, I remembered- snapped.

Hurt, my brother replied, "Sorry."

Garnet sighed, standing up out a creaky chair. "I'm going to outside for a while. Brahne and Terra are getting restless. Do you want to come too, Kuja?"

What?

"Ooh! I'll go, Mom!"

"Of course, Blank, dear."

Mikoto sighed, but I somehow knew that she was smiling. "Those three are like your clones. Too hyper for their own good."

Zidane chuckled. "Maybe. Hey, Kuja? Bro? Yo, you awake in there!?"

"Stop shaking my shoulders, you insufferable-" I stopped, coughing. My mouth was sandpaper inside. "Water?"

"Yes sir," Zidane said, somewhat mockingly, taking off somewhere.

I carefully opened my eyes again, shielding them from the bright light. "Oh, I apologize. Kuja, could you turn off the lights, please?"

They flipped off and I looked around. Mikoto looked older- maybe in her early twenties. Her blonde hair was still short, but just a few shades darker than before, but she still had the same bright, calm blue eyes as before. Beside her stood a dark haired boy of about ten years old. He also had blue eyes, but his face resembled Princess- Queen now, I supposed- Garnet's.

Zidane walked back into the lab-like room, carrying a glass of water. His eyes widened. "Bro!"

"Don't call me that," I snapped in a hoarse voice.

He shrugged, grinning audaciously, and handed me the glass, which I quickly drank. "Now," I began, now having the breath to do so, "what is going on here? Why is Mikoto a woman? And what the heck are these munchkins doing here!?"

I stared dismally at Garnet- much older than before- and the three children that came back in. Two were blonde little girls, one at age five, the other at age eight. The boy had dark red hair and was about nine. Garnet sighed. "These are my children, your nieces and nephews."

My eyes went wide. I turned between Zidane and Garnet incredulously. How'd those four happen in just the little while I've been gone?

Speaking of which, just what _had _happened to me? There was the Iifa tree, I teleported Zidane out, and then… then…. Then what?

Zidane laughed. "Dude, don't you remember dying?"

"What?" I deadpanned.

Mikoto elaborated: "You died ten years ago at the Iifa tree, after rescuing Zidane. I merely brought you back with a great deal of magic and quite a bit of science I remembered from when Garland was still around. I'm sorry it's been about ten years- I had trouble piecing your memory back in correct places and a few things like that- but here you are."

The room was silent for a minute, then I burst out laughing. Mikoto scowled at me, but that only made me laugh harder. My sides hurt when I finally stopped. "You… expect me to believe that you _brought me back to life_?"

She nodded, completely serious. Some things never change, I suppose. "Ah. Yes. While I was dead," I continued, this time winking to the children, "I must have been the tooth fairy, also."

The youngest- Brahne- giggled. Garnet smiled, but it was a little sad. Ugh. Pity from the not-so-young child. But… wasn't she older than me, now? Physically speaking, of course. According to the mirror on the wall in Mikoto's lab, I still looked the same as I did ten years ago.

"Oh," Mikoto explained, "you're not any older because, technically, you weren't alive until just a few moments ago."

I blinked. "Um… alright."

Suddenly, Brahne rushed up, poked me, then rushed back. "Yes?"

"ZOMBIE!" she screamed. She and Terra simultaneously jumped behind the motherly protection of Garnet. "He's undead, Terra! Blank was right!"

"I'm just as undead as Mikoto," I said.

They gaped at her. Mikoto sighed and shook her head. "No one here is a zombie." She a look to Blank, who flinched. "Not your uncle, not me. Your father, perhaps, _is _slightly brain-dead, however."

Brahne, Terra, and Blank looked at each other, then let out a "DAD'S A ZOMBIE TOO!"

Kuja sighed. "If Dad was a zombie, wouldn't that make us half zombie?"

"WE'RE ZOMBIES, TOO!?"

The adults sighed, I snickered, and younger three rushed out to hunt down some phoenix downs. "You were right, Mikoto. They are just like Zidane."

Garnet groaned. "Not you, too…."

* * *

After a gourmet meal prepared by the huge white, blue, and pink thing (Zidane called it Quina), I went outside and looked around at Alexandria. The city was nothing like how I remembered it. It was exceptionally modernized with a touch of flair that made it seem more than what its time could have dreamt up. I guess this was thanks to Mikoto, who held the esteemed job of royal engineering technician. Vivi, the first puppet I had ever made, was royal mage. He still looked the exact same as me, but he seemed a little slower than before. I guess not even he could live forever. For some reason, I found it a little sad to think of him "stopping".

"Take this, Zombie!" Terra shrilled, throwing a phoenix down at me. It landed at my feet, and she watched, waiting for me to explode into holy flames. Oh, what the heck.

I fell down, howling, "Oh no! Not a phoenix down!"

The girl giggled as I acted as I imagined a real zombie would do. Suddenly I jumped up. She flinched back, screaming and laughing at the same time. "Aha! But I'm a special kind of zombie! I don't die with just a phoenix down!"

She took off running and I took off chasing her.

"Leave my sister alone, foul zombie!"

I barely had time to move back as Blank tackled into me. He threw acorns at me, which actually, surprisingly, hurt. "Brahne, now!"

She threw a fistful of mud on me, ruining the silk my robes were made out of. "No! This was expensive Terran silk!" I gaped. I glared at the munchkins. "Don't you know that there is not a finer fabric anywhere on Gaia!? Oh noooooo!"

"Ah! Princess Brahne, what have I told you about throwing mud on the gues….uessttttsssss!"

I glared up at the stuttering knight, staring down at me in horror. "Quick! Behind me, children! HE'S COME BACK AS A ZOMBIE!" Steiner squealed. If it were any other time, I would have found it amusing to hear him scream at a higher pitch than Terra and Brahne.

Instead, I stood and swatted mud off me with the utmost suavity I could. If I only I were a villain again…. Ah, yes. That stupid agreement:

"_Listen, Kuj."_

"_Don't call me that!"_

"_If you're gonna stay here in Alexandria, Kuj," Zidane continued, ignoring my rants, "I've got to have your word that you won't turn into a crazy, psychotic narcissist again. Look, I've got four kids now and a whole country to look over. Dragging you into justice isn't exactly something I can find to do in my spare time. So, be a good boy?"_

_I scowled at him._

_He cocked an eyebrow._

"_Mm." I muttered._

_Zidane leaned in obnoxiously. "Excuse me, dear brother?"_

"_Mmm."_

"_I still didn't quite-"_

"_FINE! Just don't call me 'Kuj', or 'brother', and don't you dare once make me baby-sit those hooligans!"_

_The king of Alexandria grinned evilly. "But babysitting is in your new job quota. You're the godfather."_

Finally, with a tight sigh, I looked the shaking knight in the eye. "Yes, Tin Man? What is your business with me this very fine day? Oh, would mind getting me a towel or something, dear Brahne?"

The little girl, fighting to get out of Steiner's overly protective grasp, nodding. "Okie, Uncle Kuj!"

"Don't call me 'Kuj'," I said, trying to sound as nice as I could.

How did Zidane do it? How did he manage to put up that dense smile and be friendly to everyone? Ugh…. I was definitely going to leave Alexandria soon.

With a large gape, he stared after her in shock, happily skipping off. Maybe I would learn to like kids after all. "Ahem?" I reminded him.

"AHH!" Steiner burst, falling back. He straitened his helmet and frantically waved for Blank and Terra- who stood by, watching in glee at him making a fool of himself- to make a quick retreat. What an amusing knight! Steiner jumped back up, pulling his sword out and brandishing it towards me menacingly. I yawned and examined my nails with great interest. "Have at thee, evildoer! OWW! Prince Blank, please do not throw- OUCH! Princess Terra, please don't- OOMF!"

Kuja walked by his siblings roughing the knight with little interest, his nose stuck in a book. Was that Lord Avon? And how old was he, again? Ten…. Reading that…?

Brahne and Vivi walked up. The mage and I stared at each for a moment. "Ah… I apologize…?" I offered.

With just the narrowing of his eyes, my sleeves caught on fire. "There's a nice pond over there," he added as I frantically tried to put them out.

I quickly dived in, ignoring the dank algae that littered the surface. I quickly swam up. Vivi still stared at me dismally. "I'm good now!" I cried. "I-I've sworn into the good side!" He just glared at me in silence. Of course he believed me. He was just angry that he did. I grimaced at my ruined clothes. First mud, and now who-knows-what…. "Now, _please_, can I get out of these sullied clothes?"

* * *

"I-it's quite scary how he keeps staring at me like that," I muttered to no one in particular. Vivi sat as far away from me as possible, way away on the far end of the table. Mikoto sighed, calmly eating her dinner prepared by the pallid thing again. Zidane hadn't even heard me. "And," I added, staring in disdain at the horrible clothing that was given to me, "this fabric is itchy. What did this awful material come from? Sheep's skin?"

Mikoto shook her head. "You shouldn't complain. At least you are here again."

"'Peace is but a shadow death, desperate to forget its painful past… though we hope for promising years, yesterday's sorrow constantly nears. And while the moon still shines blue, by dawn it will turn to scarlet hue.' Surely you haven't forgotten Garland's favorite bedtime story for us?" I quoted. Something inside me stirred, longing for more poetry, however dismal or seemingly narcissistic it was. Maybe I'd get my young namesake to show me to the library later. He seemed interested in the finer works.

Speaking of him, Kuja looked up. "I haven't heard that one before. Who is Garland?"

Blunt, I answered, "The spawn of Satan."

Mikoto shook her head, giving a less harsh explanation. Personally, I thought I hit his description head-on. Kuja's eyebrows furrowed. "But, if he was your 'father', wouldn't that make the spawn of Satan our grandfather?"

"What a horrible thing to realize, isn't it?" I mused. "Even worse to know he made you to die when the little black sheep turned seventeen!"

All of the chatter in the room stopped. With a sigh, I stood. "I'll be wandering the halls searching for the library- if there is such an intelligent thing in this place."

Kuja slipped out of his chair and rushed up to me. "I'll show you."

I looked at him curiously, but the boy didn't show anything on his calm face. "Are… you a mage?" I asked, coming into realization. "Is that why you don't play outside with your brother and sisters?"

He shrugged, going down a hallway. "Mother says that I shouldn't go into magic. She said that there was a thing called an Eidolon- and that they would only hurt me later on if I learned how to summon it."

I burst out laughing. "I'm probably the cause for that," I explained when he looked at me curiously. "See, I used to be the bad guy of sorts. Even though Garland was much, much worse than I."

"What did you do that was so bad?"

I stopped, and he also stopped. With my face pale, I admitted, "I did… a lot of things that ruined a lot of lives. It is certainly something I will never do again…. But I suppose saying that won't change the past, will it? Heh, I can't believe that Zidane would want me back. Perhaps he was the better one, after all. Well… Mikoto is obviously the smart one of the three of us. I am an excellent mage."

Suddenly, I smiled. "And I think that you could become an excellent mage also."

* * *

Blank frowned at the oncoming nobles. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Just how many of these people had theirs lives ruined because of me? Finally, I openly gaped as the Minister of Black Mage Village walked in and stopped dead, glaring at me.

"Kill me now!" I moaned, as he raised his hands to catch these sleeves on fire also. Instead, tiny fireworks erupted in front of Blank's face. He jumped up and cheered, rushing over to the mage. Brahne and Terra giggled, tiny fireworks and magic acts playing in front of them too. Kuja ignored the explosions in front of him- still reading those impossibly hard novels. With a sigh, Zidane finally got up and started greeting guests.

What was this celebration about again? Must have been something planned before I "came back". I tried to spot out anyone that would ultimately try to kill me right away. There were some rats from Burmecia, a couple and that old tutor, Tot, from Treno; actually a few genomes, and the Regent, Hilda, and a purple haired-

Was that Eiko Carol?

I gaped slightly, staring at the summoner. Her hair was longer and in elegant curls, few of which curled out from her face, fanning it out to view. Bangs hung around her horn, now much longer and prominent. Eiko wore a flowing golden gown, beads expertly sown into the bottom in a swirl pattern. Kuja smirked, stifling a laugh. "She's too young for you. Eiko's only five or six years older than me."

"I'm close to twenty, and I don't dare think of that brat as anything like that."

He rolled his eyes and went back to the book. "Hey, Kuj! Come here!"

The room went silent, everyone there staring at me. Beside me, Kuja sighed. "Father really needs to find a way to distinguish the two of us."

"I-I think he meant you," I said, trying desperately to find an open exit. Just to rub my insecurity in my face, Steiner quickly went and stood in front of the last exit, and so I quickly stood. "Well, come on."

The few from Burmecia snarled at me as I passed. I supposed that meant I was not forgiven. Kuja stuck his tongue out at them. Zidane scowled the Burmecia folk. "Can't you guys get over it?"

In response, all but two turned tail and left. Ah, let them. Stubborn rats.

I then recognized one of the remaining rats to be Freya. The other one must have been an awfully close friend. Freya laced her arm through the man's outstretched one, pulling her in for comfort. "It is… certainly not a pleasure, I must admit… erm, sir."

"Likewise."

Freya's companion let out a low murmur to her, one that I didn't quite catch. It must have been an unflattering comment, I supposed. Trying to ignore them and their skeptical looks, I turned to Zidane. "And what is it that you requested for, Zidane?"

He gave me a dark smile. "You're going to round up the kids and make sure they don't get into trouble. You might want to get Brahne first. She likes mud. And… well, most of the people here (except Quina, probably) would not enjoy mud being flung over their attire."

At this moment, I felt like an apathetic teenager who just wanted to go to his room, lock the door, and forget about everything for a while. Well… except for the teenager part, I did fit that description. I miserably scowled at him. Besides, wasn't I the older sibling? Shouldn't I be the one telling him to look after them? They _were_ his children, after all. "Really?" I whined. "Isn't that supposed to be the obese knight's job?"

"Steiner? Heck no," Kuja replied for his father. "His idea of fun is to go outside and pick flowers for Beatrix."

The four of us stared at him in disbelief. He nodded, honestly telling the truth. "It's a little sickening, actually. Brahne plays in the dirt, Blank and Terra eventually sneak off and begin terrorizing the butlers, and I'm left picking daisies and listening to him rant on and on about how beautiful, strong, and perfect she is."

"So, you and Eiko will do the job?" Zidane hinted in a sing-song voice.

"YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A KING!"

In just an instant, an angry, hormonal summoner tackled into me. "NO, I WILL NOT WORK WITH THIS SADISTIC, NARCISSISTIC TERRORIST TO ALL OF GAIA! WHAT THE IN THE LIVING MOGNET MAKES YOU THINK I'M GOING THROUGH WITH THIS!?"

After her tirade for Zidane was over, she turned dagger eyes on to me. "AND YOU! DON'T YOU DARE ONCE THINK THAT I'LL LET YOU FOOL ME WITH THIS IDIOTIC FAÇADE THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS STUPIDLY BELIEVING! I KNOW YOU'RE A MONSTER, AND THAT'S ALL YOU'LL EVER BE!"

A tear dripped onto my cheek. "And you took everything away from me!" she cried, her voice shaky. "My family, my home, Mog, and now Zidane and Dagger? Don't you think you should leave and never show your hideous face again!? All of Gaia would benefit from you just dying again! And this time, don't have your baby sister conned into bringing your pathetic self back to life!"

Finally, she kneed up (HARD) and I blacked out.

* * *

**So, did everyone enjoy that nice little chapter? If so, please review! Next chapter includes a new character that eventually will play a huge role in this crazy plot. (Anyone guess the importance of Young Kuja not becoming a mage? Guess right, and I'll send you virtual cookies.)**

**Anyway, see you next chapter!**

**~WiREP**


	2. Chapter 2

**This is dedicated to Randomzzz.**

**I feel a little bad about this chapter. I mean, I love Kuja. Why am I being so mean to him!?**

**Well, Read and Review! (Also? Me no own FF.)**

**Chapter 2-**

My cheek was numb. This was because of small, adorable Brahne jabbing her finger into it repeatedly. My scalp hurt. Terra was at fault this time, pulling on my hair (as if ruining my clothes weren't enough for the little brats), also repeatedly.

I did not want to know what this neon pink substance on my face was.

Ideally watching from the corner of the room was Eiko, merrily reveling in my discontent. Kuja was most likely at the library still, hidden from the chaotic crowd like a sane person. Why wasn't I able to simply join him? I mean, if Zidane gained a brain and decided to lock me up in the library with some thick entertaining books, then I could find no reason to go out and destroy all that I deemed seemingly annoying and/or worthless. The sad thing about this is that I think just about everything here on Gaia _is_ seemingly annoying/worthless.

When I finally moaned and creaked up to a sitting position, Eiko turned off the happy and switched over to anti-me mode. "You talk in your sleep!" Brahne giggled before Eiko could start yelling at me again.

I shook my head and asked, "What?"

She and Terra sat at the end of my bed. "You kept saying funny stuff. Me and Terra and Blank and Eiko didn't understand what it was, but you kept saying it over and over. Didn't he, Eiko?"

The summoner glowered at me.

"I'll take your word on it," I assured her. "Now, what did you four do to me this time?" Fearful, I touched my face. The neon pink substance was actually start to burn a little. That couldn't be a good sign.

"Oh, your face mask? Eiko made it. She let me put it on!" Terra answered.

My eyes went wide and rushed to the bathroom. I screamed. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?" I roared, peeling the scalding matter of my face. After it was all off, my face was a deep red. Terra's workings in my hair had resulted in something I prayed was not gum stuck in it. Nonetheless, there was no way I could get it out without having to cut my hair. I turned back to the three girls, not even bothering to try and mask my resentment. "THIS IS TAKING IT TOO FAR!" I yelled. "I'M TRYING TO BE THE PATHETIC GOOD GUY HERE, SO COULD YOU STOP BEING SO ANNOYING AND ALLOW THE TORTURE BE JUST A LITTLE BIT EASIER!? I'LL PLAY WITH YOU TWO- LET YOU THROW MUD ON MY CLOTHES- BUT DO NOT MESS WITH MY HAIR! AND EIKO, I GET THAT YOU HATE ME! JUST ABOUT EVERYONE DOES! BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU TRY AND BURN MY FACE OFF!"

Brahne and Terra stared at me with wide eyes. Eiko glared.

I glared back. "Listen, little summoner. Try one more thing against me, my patience will snap, and I swear you will be turned into an oglop."

She waved her hand indifferently. "My mother could turn me back easily."

"Not if I make the spell permanent!"

"I'd like to see you try!" she countered, sticking her tongue out.

My eyes narrowed and my fingertips eagerly awaited the stream of magic to come, but I took a deep breath. I'm sure turning the princess of Lindblum into an oglop wouldn't be good-guy material. Suddenly, the inevitable dawned on me. "Where's Blank?"

"Noooo!" said boy yelled. "I'm sorry, Dad!"

The four of us sighed as Blank crashed in, tripping over Brahne who screamed. Zidane then barreled in and grabbed him, lifting him off the floor. With his tail, he helped Brahne to her feet. "Didn't I tell you to stay in here?"

"But the girls were giving Kuja a makeover! I don't want to do girly stuff!" he wailed.

Suddenly, he turned, setting Blank down. "Wh-what happened to you!?"

"Three princesses that narrowly avoided death a second ago," I grumbled. Then to Blank I growled, "And I'm sure you helped Eiko put that hideous concoction on my face!"

His guilty face said it all.

Zidane groaned. "Eiko, I thought you promised to be nice!"

She shrugged. "I was nice to the kids, wasn't I? Besides. It's my duty to banish evil as princess of Lindblum. He was evil, and I did my job."

"YOU TRIED TO BURN MY FACE OFF!"

"Ah, details."

I huffily grabbed a nearby cloak. "I'll be somewhere far away from that horrendous girl if you need me."

* * *

"Bring my beloved Dagger to me!" the man playing Zidane cried.

On the other side of the stage, an actress playing Garnet rushed out and embraced him. "Oh, Zidane! Don't ever leave me again!"

"What dry acting," I muttered.

A green haired woman who stood nearby noticed. "And jus' who are you, darlin'? New 'round here?"

"Ah… yes. I'm…," I quickly looked back on stage. "I'm Silver, a traveling actor."

Her eyes lit up. "Well, howdaya do there, Silver? This is m' own theater. Sure we don't get much attentio', but how 'bout you get a little actin' in here? I'll sure as any'hing pay ya!"

"Well, I'm sure that can be arranged. I'm afraid I can't start the job for about a week, however," I said. Surely this awful mess would be gone in a week's time. "I'll come by then. Is that okay?"

"Why sure! I'm Ruby. Nice ta meetcha, Silver!" she smiled, thrusting her hand out. I shook it and we turned back to see the last of the play.

* * *

"Where have you been?" Steiner demanded as I tried to get back into the castle later that evening.

"I have done something productive: I now have a job. Perhaps my profession will actually benefit someone, unlike your begger's post. May I please pass?" I stated.

The knight glared at me, but finally moved aside. "Thank you."

"…and a great job you did, Eiko! You ran him off, insulted him- did you even take a look at his face!? That is not called 'being on your best behavior'!" the Regent scolded as I passed a room. At least the bugger was getting reprimanded. I considered going to the library, but I couldn't let someone recognize me as this atrocity. The was cracked open slightly, so I just had to peek in. Kuja and Garnet sat next to giant stacks of books, reading through them. Blank suddenly crashed into one of them and Terra ran across, squealing in delight.

"Quiet, guys!" Zidane called. Brahne suddenly made another stack of books crash. With a sigh, Garnet laid down her book and rounded the three up.

I rolled my eyes and continued.

Upstairs, I examined my hair and determined what difficult means I'd have to go through to get the mess out and still look presentable. I still didn't know what the disaster in my hair was, but I was beginning to think it was a dead oglop. Ugh, I had always hated those slimy insects. When Hilda was more or less my prisoner ten years ago and had told me how she turned her husband into an oglop, she instantly gained my respect. And also my fear. That's why I treated her with the utmost respect- I feared she would try and turn me into the hideous creature.

But now… even being an oglop would be better than this. My face was still bright red and it slightly stung, and these awful clothes were still itchy. With a deep breath, I picked up the shears.

I took one last long look at myself. Aside from the horrendous obscenities dealt by that appalling purple-haired beast, I was great. I just had to remember that as I squeezed my eyes shut and heard the first _snip._

* * *

"This's tha' act we're agonna put on next week. Think ya'll like it, Silver?" Ruby explained. I took the script and flipped through. "It's an act 'alled 'Loveless'. The sto'y takes place in ole' Gaia, 'tween two friends an' an esper named Aleka. The leading role, Randasma, falls in love with th' esper. But th' legendary swordsman, Tersiah (that's you), has been 'osen by the esper to be 'er lover, though you've turned yer 'ack on love and taken the role of the Loveless."

"Interesting. I can't wait for rehearsal," I said, trying to seem professional and a tad indifferent. Inside, I was bursting with excitement. Finally an act both suave and endearing. Even it was Gaian, it still had potential.

Ruby grinned. "Good! We'll start a' soon a' my other star actress comes!"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "But aren't the two friends supposed to be men?"

"I'm playing the role of the esper."

Ruby and the woman smiled to each other. With a theatrical bow, the woman introduced herself. "I am Trace Briars. I'm a bit of a stranger to Alexandria, too."

"Where do you come from originally?" I asked, taking in her bright blue eyes and caramel hair. She was probably just an ordinary, boring Gaian, but clothes made me think differently. Trace's attire was something far from being ordinary and boring. A pink dress fitted loosely on her, but she had deep brown boots with bright adornments that was obviously self designed.

Noticing, she explained, "It's an original design, created by myself completely. Perhaps I can make you something. I see you're not too partial to that."

"I had a bit of a skirmish with Princess Brahne and her liking towards mud."

Ruby and Trace laughed, but it wasn't the scornful laugh I was used to hearing.

The other actors took their spots and we began our first rehersal.

* * *

"'For as but a dream,'" I quoted softly, "'sleep fades as the flowers of the morrow in this everlasting sorrow.'"

"'Tis more than a dream, but that of a solace in death. Shalt thee become naught? Shalt thee become nothing more than that which ne'er feels, ne'er knows true love? Thou art my chosen, thee who lives amongst shadow and anguish, thou who art the Loveless.'"

"'For why must ye love a warrior of strife such as I? Tis Randasma who strives for thy heart!'"

"'Hark, Tersiah! What doth thou have my beloved, Aleka?'"

I widened my eyes. "'Randasma! I have done naught-'"

"'For shame, am I not thy only friend? Thy comrade in arms, yet thou steal my love from me?'" He withdrew his sword and pointed it to me. I withdrew mine, but didn't dare attack. "'Ye hath brought upon thy demise, Tersiah!'"

"'Tis Aleka who came unto me, not I to her!'" I cried, deflecting his attacks. "'Ne'er would I betray a comrade! Nay, ne'er would I betray a brother!'"

He suddenly tripped, feigning to fall on my blade. "'Randasma!'"

Trace lifted my chin to her face. "'Tis I who tripped thy comrade! Come unto me, Tersiah, and together shall we follow the path of the stars, the moons, and the lingering dawn!'"

"'Nay! Thou art but a witch, wanting all for thy own! I shall avenge my dear friend! Thy blood shall stain my blade, but nay shall I regret this day, nor this action of treachery thou hath done unto my comrade!'"

An intricate battle ensued, and finally my blade "impaled" her. "'Tersiah… I hath cursed thee. Ne'er shall ye love another, and she love thee back! For ever shalt thou live in the lonely solace of endless shadow!'"

"'Thy love tis nay but a poison with out antidote. I want naught of it, ye who hath cursed me for defending a companion from thy wrath. Tis I who art the Loveless, now and for all ever!'"

Ruby and the audience burst into applause. Trace and the one who played Randasma stood and bowed behind me. Right before the curtain closed, I caught a brief glance of Zidane, the Tantalus group, and Kuja.

Well, that just made this day worse.

"That was wonderful, Silver, Trace!" a stagehand cried in delight. "It was like you lived as Tersiah and Aleka!"

"That is how acting is done," I said with a smile.

Trace chuckled. "And an awfully good job impaling us, might I add."

The man rolled his arm. "Yeah, I never thought that dying could be so fun!"

"It's a blast," I agreed.

They laughed. Too bad they didn't know I was partially serious.

* * *

"Hey, Blank, look at this! I found an oglop!"

I sighed, easily picking the insect from out of Terra's hands. "Don't mess with bugs."

She jumped up on my lap, making me drop my book in surprise. "Tell me a story?" she asked with a bright smile.

She cheered as I called over Brahne and Blank to make sure they didn't set fire to the castle when I was preoccupied. "What kind of story would you like? I know a lot."

Terra thought long and hard. Finally, she requested, "Tell us about the funnest moment you've ever had!"

Blank frowned. "Funnest ain't a word! And that's too boring! Tell us about a huge battle!"

"Ew, battles are for boys!"

"I'm a boy! You two are just sissies!"

"UNCLE KUJA!!"

"Don't be such tattletales!"

"Blank called us sissies and tattletales, Uncle Kuja!"

While they argued, my ears started ringing. Gently, I sat Terra on the ground- the girl didn't even notice- and I walked just far enough to where their arguing didn't seem as vociferous, but to where I could still keep watch over them.

Blank whooped as he apparently won the argument. "Hey, I'm hungry! Wanna go get something to eat?"

His sisters eagerly nodded and rushed inside. I went in after them. For some reason, I just had a feeling that these three would burn down the castle eventually…. "Quina fix you best food!" the pale Qu said as I entered the kitchen. "Kuja want some too? Both Kuja?"

Blank nodded. "Kuja likes steak. Uncle, what do you want?"

"Just some tea, thank you."

"Tea for him, then."

Quina nodded, quickly turning back to work. After telling them a few times that it was impolite to sit on the dinner table, I watched them actually eat with some politeness. "Oh, put that stupid book down, Kuja! You've only read it five times!" Blank sighed in exasperation as he dragged his older brother inside.

"Only twice," he argued.

Blank rolled his eyes and looked expectantly to me. "So, that story? We agreed on the cool, awesome battle!"

Of course it would have it be the "cool, awesome battle". Quina also sat down. "Quina no hear Kuja story."

"Anyone else?" I rejectedly called. "No? Well then. Back when I lived in Treno-"

"Is good food in story?" Quina interrupted excitedly.

"Sure. Back when I lived in Treno, I ate good food. Please… just, well, use your imagination, Quina. As you all probably know, Treno isn't quite a respectable place, but there lived many nobles anyway. I was one of those nobles also.

"But after a few months, a man came by my residence and demanded I 'pay up' or something. Honestly, I think the man was just drunk. When I slammed the door in his face-" Blank snickered "-he only called in his 'gang' to make me 'pay up'. So I basically taught them a lesson about not waking me up in the middle of the night and acting like foolish morons."

They stared at me. "What? I can't tell you the whole story- You all are too young," I said in exasperation. "That was the heavily filtered version. I don't want Zidane coming to kill me- again- because of story time."

Blank indignantly stood, frowning. "That sucked."

I shrugged. "Come back when you're a little older, kid."

"Then I want another story! This time, one with a lot of action and fighting- and not the 'heavily filtered version'. I'm a knight! I don't need filtered versions!" Blank demanded, climbing on the table to show his importance. "Besides, Brahne and Terra are too big of wimps! They need blood and gore!"

"Do you even know what gore is?" I deadpanned.

In response, he groaned and got back in his seat.

I snickered. "That's what I thought. Well then, it's getting late. Brahne? Want to get ready for bed?"

"FIRE! EVACUATE THE CASTLE; IT'S ON FIRE!"

Crap. I have the worst intuition.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to Randomzzz and AmyKowalewicz for reviewing! I hope everyone finds this chapter funny- I sure did! But pay very close attention: This chapter is pretty important. That aside, I hope everyone enjoys and REVIEWS!!**

**I don't own Final Fantasy. Capice?**

**Also, I don't own the songs mentioned in this chapter. I'm just really overly obessed of Journey and Kuja.**

**(I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!)**

**Chapter 3-**

"Go!" I yelled, right as the wall behind us exploded. Screams echoed from all throughout the castle. "Run! Get outside, and go as far away from here as you can! Stay together!"

Quina ran out after them, making sure they were safe. I turned back to the open wall. "Whoever you are," I calmly called, "you are such a poser."

I jumped through the hole, running through the halls, making sure that everyone was safely out. More explosions lit up the afternoon sky, which I could plainly see through the many shattered windows that lined the palace walls. Upon entering one room, I found Trace. What was she doing here? "Trace! Jump!"

She turned to me in shock. "Silver!? What're you-"

An explosion, seeming to come from straight beside us, knocked me back. I blocked the blast of raw heat with a magic shield, pushing Trace to her feet. "More precisely, what are _you_ doing here? Didn't you hear the insane screaming 'Get out'?" I quickly shook my head. "We've got to jump. Hold on!"

"What the he-"

She shrieked as I grabbed a hold of her and dove out the window.

* * *

Garnet frantically scanned the area, looking for her children. Finally, Quina burst through the burning double doors, followed by four wily, panicked kids. In one tight embrace, she gathered all of them at once. "Oh, you all are alright…. Is anyone hurt? Any burns? Any-"

Kuja broke away. "Mother, Kuja's still inside!"

She looked up in horror. "What!?"

Zidane rushed out, covered in soot. He bounded over to Garnet. "That's everyone!" he announced, huffing. "Oww…. I think a board smacked into me…."

Garnet grabbed the front of his shirt. "You're brother is still in there!"

His blue eyes went wide. "Kuja!? Shoot! Hold on!"

"No!" she shouted, holding him back as another huge explosion racked through the castle. Slowly, piece by piece, the castle fell, crashing down. Garnet gasped, watching the mirrored tower crash down into the lake behind the castle. Water sprayed over the castle, dousing the rising flames.

Behind them, Eiko summoned Leviathan. Garnet also started to summon a water eidolon. Kuja looked at the magnificent spirits in total awe. They were mesmerizing…. Were they really such a bad thing? Of course he understood the consequences of an eidolon being used the wrong way, but… nothing bad ever happened now. Except for today- just what had happened?

Brahne and Terra latched onto their older brother's arms, sniffling. "It's okay," he reassured. What a lie. It most definitely was not okay. "We're all okay."

"What about Uncle Kuja? And Aunt Miki? Where are they?" Blank asked. "Wait- there's Aunt Miki!" He waved his arms, calling her over.

Leviathan faded and Eiko hugged her adopted mother. The Regent Cid and Hilda joined the royal family. Freya and Fratley, accompanied by the Flaming Amarant who had also secretly joined in the weeklong festivities, joined them.

The citizens of Alexandria and the others all watched their fallen kingdom.

No one could dispel the image of Bahamut and Alexander from their minds.

* * *

"That's a big dragon…," I hazily commented. So it figured the floor we jumped from was a pretty high one. Water splashed down on me, cooling what few burns I had. Already they were healing, soon to be nothing more than regular pale skin. I finally sat up. The castle occupants were crowded out front. As far as I could see, everyone had gotten out safely. I turned to Trace beside me. She was unconscious, but otherwise fine.

Towers and appendages of the castle crashed down, more deafening than the former explosions. Who had caused this?

At least this time, I didn't destroy the castle. That was most refreshing. My head reeled as I stood shakily. I wasn't sure, but it certainly looked like a string of flare spells had been cast. People would have noticed an eidolon.

I stumbled out from behind the bushes and saw everyone still staring at the ruined castle. The last summoners had already put out most of the fire. I figured I should help too.

The water didn't spew out from my outstretched hands. Did… did I get the spell wrong? No, I couldn't have. Not after the thousands of times I'd used it. I tried again, this time with a simple fire spell. _Nothing came. At ALL._

Swallowing hard, I kept throwing spell after spell- from the most primordial, to the most intricate- growing worried at the lack of magic. "No… NO! Magic is all I have!"

A soaring pain ripped through my skull and I fell to my knees. Through my blurry, fading vision I saw Mikoto and Amarant rushing towards me.

* * *

"SILVER IS KUJA!?"

"Shh, calm down Ruby! It's-"

"THE HECK IT'S ALL RIGHT! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SHALLOW-MINDED FREAK DARED COME TO M' THEATRE AN' GET A JOB!"

I blinked open my heavy eyes and saw Ruby- as red as her namesake- and Doctor Tot arguing. They were arguing about me, of course. Such an infamous name Silver must have become, right then. Theatre ticket sells would plummet once word let out the horrible Kuja was Silver.

Would Trace hate me?

I gasped. "Trace! Is she alright?"

Ruby glared at me, huffily turning away in mute disdain. Tot nodded. "She's fine. How about you?"

"Good… just a little dizzy, is all."

He nodded thoughtfully. "That's to be expected. I think you have a mild concussion. Do you remember anything that happened? Before or after the explosion?"

I sat up in the crude bed, instantly realizing I wasn't in Alexandria. It looked a bit like Lindblum, actually, but drier and…. I gasped, heading for the window. Though it was still early morning and the sky was dark, I instantly recognized the shimmering sand. Buildings now lined the desert horizon, but this was definitely where my desert palace once was. This place I was at was definitely not my palace, however. For one, these bed sheets were scratchy and a hideous color that clashed with everything in the room. And the horrible lighting! You'd have to be nocturnal to see through this! Not to mention-

"Um, Kuja?" Tot asked, breaking me out of my inner tirade.

"Oh… sorry. I just…. Never mind. I'll be back," I stated.

The bird man stuttered out a "No, don't leave!" but I ignored him. I had to see if this was really my old home- the one place I actually liked on Gaia.

Outside, my jaw hit the sand. "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE!?"

People wandering the dusty street stopped to stare at me. I mutely pointed to the cheesy tourist buildings and the all the inns and restaurants. "THIS IS MY PALACE'S AREA! WHAT DID YOU FREAKS DO TO IT!?"

"Kuja! Stop! Come back in! HURRY, BEFORE THEY SEE YOU!"

I turned on the old tutor. "Who did it!?" I demanded. "Who turned _my_ territory into a TOURIST ATTRACTION!?"

They were suddenly all over me. Tot and I screamed as the first girl squealed, "OH MY GOSH, IT'S _KUJA_!"

I leaned against the door, trying to keep the crazy mongrels _out_, but it was no use.

"KUUUUUJJJJJAAAAAAA!" they screamed. I now noticed they were all women. "OHEMGEE I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! I LOVE YOU!"

As they crowded in, screaming and squealing, Tot and I desperately searched for an escape route. What was with these insane girls!? Finally, a woman in a white, sand-covered dress with long black hair fought through the wave. It was Garnet. Zidane ran in after her, screaming.

Tot instantly calmed down. I was still fighting the girls off. Garnet calmly said, "This isn't Kuja. Wrong overlord. Sorry!"

"AWWWWW!"

I kicked the door shut and bolted all the locks, huffing. Then, leaning against the door, I asked, "Who the heck were those animals?"

Grimly, the queen answered, "Fangirls."

Tot and I groaned. This place was turning into heck.

* * *

"So, in some strange way, we ended up in the outer continent."

"Yes."

"In a town filled with insane Kuja fangirls."

"Yes."

"Why are we even here?"

"We don't know yet, which is why we're going _there_."

"Where is _there_, anyway?"

"Some king you are," I muttered, half crawling through the small underground tunnel.

"Oh," Ruby scoffed, "an' I bet you'd jus' love to have that occupation! Bet it sure beats bein' a stupid actor in m' stupid theatre!"

"I was not using that as a way to take over the world!"

"Suuuuuure."

"Guys, can we please quit arguing? The sooner we get out of here the better," Garnet said.

Ruby growled, but otherwise remained silent. Finally, since silence would have been too peaceful, Zidane complained, "Does this tunnel ever end?"

I groaned, finally stopping. Trying to ignore the grime on the walls, I leaned back and scowled at the four in irritation. "Explain to me again how we ended up here?"

"Didn't we just have this conversation?" Tot uselessly inquired. We ignored him, Garnet, Zidane, and Ruby laying back against the wall too. Zidane fiddled with his daggers, staring at them jadedly. They were old and pretty crudely made, so I figured these had come from his days of adventuring with Tantalus. Other than Garnet, armed with a ornamental racket, I noticed none of us would have any ounce of magic. I still hadn't figured out what had happened to mine. Well… hopefully none of my old watchdogs would come back to fight us.

A dawning thought occurred to me, then. "Where are the others?"

Zidane shrugged, not looking up from his knives. "I dunno. Maybe somewhere else in Kujaville?"

"Was there sarcasm in that voice?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Are you… _jealous_ that I have a town of fangirls and you don't?"

"What!? No way! Th-they must have been under some sort of spell or been mentally insane or-"

"You're jealous." I translated.

He glared at me. Garnet smacked his head. "Don't be a skirt chaser!"

I chuckled. She smacked me too. "Don't bully your brother!"

"Geez!" we echoed.

* * *

"Thirty-eight bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-eight bottles of beer-"

"WILL YOU FREAKIN' SHUT UP, ZIDANE?" Ruby snapped. She let out a deep breath and rubbed her temples, muttering, "I am not stuck in a hole with idiots, I am not stuck in a hole with idiots…."

"Hey! I think I found something!"

We turned to the beginning of the tunnel.

"Well? Go."

"EW! I'm not going down there! Look at all the slime and- EEEK!"

"Jus' go…."

"THAT WAS SOOO RUDE, AMARANT! I'M REPORTING YOU FOR DISRESPECT WHEN WE GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Can it, pipsqueak. We're going down, whether you like it or not."

"I don't wanna! I'm going back up to try and find Mikoto!"

"Oh, she'll find us eventually. Get going."

"…You are such an old fart."

The bandit grunted.

Zidane quietly sighed. "So much for reinforcements."

I cocked an eyebrow. "Aren't they your comrades?"

"Yeah, of course, but… well, since Eiko's in a bad mood and Amarant's not exactly one made to deal with bratty kids, we're still screwed."

Ruby shrugged. "We're screwed a' long a' _he's_ with us."

They sighed, and I closed my eyes.

"_I like this area. So remote, so beautiful. Don't you agree?" I observed to my ever so faithful silver dragon, Anorandi. As much as I detested his Terran name- it meant silver, naturally- I couldn't help but feel like the creature was my only friend. He'd been with me when I abandoned Zidane, when I left Terra, in the destruction of Madain Sari, and now here on Gaia to decide the location of my very own palace._

_Anorandi purred in assessment. I scratched his neck and looked out across the empty horizon. "We'll certainly be alone in this place, looks like. Not a soul for miles." I cracked a grin at the awful pun. "I don't think Garland would come here either. He's such a farty old, lazy man, isn't he?"_

"_Let's get out of this heat. I think we'll melt soon."_

_With that, I hopped on Anorandi's back and flew off towards the mist continent, towards my residence at Treno. Acquiring that had been far too easy. Fooling those idiots into thinking I was heir to the King family was even easier. I looked nothing like those fools. How could they actually believe I was Master King's long-lost nephew? Morons. Still, I now had a surprising amount of gil- and that was always a good thing. I was starting to notice that most Gaians looked up to people with money. Those with money were the higher class._

_And now, with all the riches in Terra and Gaia at my disposal, I was definitely fit for the job of King- King of everything._

I scowled into the darkness. Reminiscing really made me realize what a narcissist I used to be. Eiko groaned and stomped the tunnel in annoyance as she stumbled across us. "Dang it, Amarant, why'd you pull me down here!?"

The bandit was silent, watching as the princess huffily plopped down next to Garnet, sticking her tongue out at me. "Take a seat," I offered, ignoring the summoner's death-glares. "It appears we'll be here a while."

Rolling his eyes (at least I think he rolled his eyes; it was hard to tell underneath all those red dreadlocks), Amarant also sat. He took one of Zidane's daggers and started doodling on the metal walls. "This had better not be the remains of my palace…," I muttered. He grunted. "And so _you're_ the wonderful conservationist."

"I hate you," Eiko stated, plain and simple. We stared at her, but she only glared at me. "I hate you a lot."

I shrugged. "That's alright."

"That's alright!?" she yelled, standing. The tip of her horn touched the grime and murk of the tunnel. "How the heck can you say it's 'alright' that I hate you?"

"Doesn't everybody?"

She went silent. Frowning, she muttered, "Well… you deserve it."

"I know."

"You should die again."

"Yep."

"Kuja is a dick~!"

"That's a new one…. But alright."

"Doesn't anything bother you!?"

"Besides this stupid tunnel that everyone else detests as well? Not much."

"I hate you."

I sighed. "Yes, I know you hate me."

* * *

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves- and this is how it goes~!"

"Zidane," I said tightly, "if you don't shut up, I swear I'll stick those songs up your-"

"I've had a little bit too much, all of the people start to rush- start to rush by. All of those twister games, can't find my drink or man~-"

"Eiko!" Garnet gaped. "What are doing listening to songs like that!?"

The princess blushed. "Hey, Zidane, do you know 'Don't Stop Believing'?"

His blue eyes lit up, and the two started to serenade us. "Strangers, waiting! Up and down the boulevard! Their shadows searching in the night! Street lights, people! Living just to find emotion! Hiding, somewhere in the niiiiiiggggghhhhhtttttttt~!"

"GOOD LORD, END IT NOW!" Garnet, Tot, and I shouted.

* * *

Taking off her cloak, the woman shook the sand out of her hair. "Put this up; bring me my dinner. I'll be in my quarters."

The genome nodded, catching the garment.

Many passing genomes bowed their heads in respect as she walked by, barely acknowledging them. She swung open her bedroom door and marched inside, furiously grabbing a ornate mirror off her bed. In an instant, an old man appeared. "You didn't tell me it would take us there," she hissed. "You didn't tell me who he was!"

"Calm down, dear. I didn't expect-"

"Calm down!? How am I supposed to kill him!?"

The old man sighed. "All of that is in the past now. He doesn't remember nor does he suspect a thing. Just follow the plan and everything will turn out for the better. Trust me."

She narrowed her eyes into the mirror. "Garland, you are an old fool. I love him- don't you get it?"

The Master of Time nodded. "I do get it. That fact alone is why you must kill him, Anorandi."

Anorandi hissed and threw the mirror back on her bed. Right as a genome walked in with her dinner, she roared and turned into a silver dragon, bursting into the air. "Madam Silver?" he asked in a blank monotone. As was expected of him, the genome laid the silver platter on a nearby table and quietly exited the room.

* * *

"Oh no, we're too late!"

"They're alive."

"BUT THEY'RE NOT MOVING!"

"Trust me: if they were dead, we would have smelled it."

"Y-you mean…."

"Bodies decompose faster in warm air, so if they had indeed died, we would have been able to catch scent of their rotting corpses."

Vivi wavered on his feet, then fell face first on the floor. Mikoto sighed, picking the mage back up. She cleared her throat.

"WAKE UP YOU SORRY BUNCH OF LAZY SCUMBAGS!"

The mage looked up at her in shock. "Was… that the wrong thing to say?"

"Well… normally, you call the bad guy a scumbag."

"Oh. Well, never mind."

I opened my eyes, seeing Mikoto and Vivi standing expectantly over top of us. Zidane yawned loudly, nudging Garnet awake. I nudged Eiko's foot. That immediately woke her up, steaming mad at the simple touch. My sister smiled. "Now that we're awake, I know how to get out of this town. By the way, I suppose you all should know that this is a sewer system.

After that, I'm not sure who screamed the loudest: Eiko or me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello hello again! This a chapter that finally gets on with the plot! You know, a new bad guy or two pops up and threatens the world (you all know the drill), and Kuja and the dwarves of Conde Petite don't get along very well....**

**Also, two fairly annoying brats also come back to annoy the living snot out of our fine little group.**

**Ah, I love this story! It's so fun to annoy people!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything (maybe Kuja? No... never mind... I don't own him.... CRUEL WORLD!). I do own Trace, Anorandi (sort of), and the princes and princesses of Alexandria.**

**Chapter 4**

By morning we reached Conde Petite.

Garnet and Eiko were miserable, having done the trip in high heels. Tot, Vivi, and Mikoto were out of breath. Zidane still seemed full of energy- of course, since he was Mr. Sunny-Sings-A-Lot- but I was about ready to drop dead from the sweat, heat, and the horrible sweat.

"RALLY-HO!"

"Shut it," I snarled, walking through anyway.

Zidane quickly apologized for me. Trudging in, many dwarves stared at us- mostly at Eiko, I noticed- but I ignored them all, slouching over to the inn. I handed over all the money I had, even willing to give him a 4798 gil tip, and plopped face down on my bed. I finally climbed in, feeling as pitiful and awful as I had ten years ago in the Iifa Tree. So… that was a tiny bit exaggerated, but I'm sure the royals agreed with me.

"What are you doing? We've got to hurry to Alexandria!" Zidane chirped in my ear.

I closed my eyes, relaxing for a long stay.

He groaned and finally gave in, falling on his bed too. Tot wheezed as he finally stumbled in the room. "I… I'm too old… for this… kind of… exertion…." The bird-man still pulled out a book of a nearby bookcase and sat to reading on the floor, too tired to make it to the bed. Running from crazy, obsessive fangirls, I discovered, was very strenuous work. If it hadn't been for Mikoto's crazy plan (one way too long and intricate- not to mention painful- to describe), we never would have escaped that unspeakable place with our sanity and _me_ intact.

But… if those girls hadn't been bloodthirsty, insane freaks, I would have gone back. It felt good (albeit creepy) to know someone loved me. Someone besides me. And children. And Zidane, who probably threatened Garnet into liking me. Amarant didn't seem to have too much against me, but I really didn't want to have that guy as a buddy.

Then there was Trace. But she didn't know I was Kuja yet. She only knew me as Silver, the name I stole from my dragon.

I missed Anorandi, too. I didn't want to think he stayed on Terra. That stubborn dragon… even if I commanded him to leave, he wouldn't go. Now I know that I was stupid to destroy everything, but if I had killed my dragon, too, I….

"Anorandi…," I whispered. Louder, I announced, "I'm going out for a while."

"Knock yourself out," Zidane murmured, already half asleep.

I grabbed a cloak on my way out. Just in case, of course.

Dwarves that were no taller than my waist scurried around the stone halls. I didn't even try to decode their weird accent. That was simply impossible. I did catch a few sentences, though. Most of them talked about how Eiko had turned from a thieving runt into a princess. The other bits I found were- oddly- not about me, but Amarant. He must have had his bad days too once upon a time.

"Rally-ho, Maester!"

"Rally-whoo," I responded. "Do you sell any food? I've just come from-"

"No," he interrupted me, "it aes 'rally-ho'."

I stared at him blankly.

He stared expectantly back at me.

Narrowing my eyes, I threatened, "I'm the all-powerful, destructive, and dashingly-hot Kuja, terror to Gaia. Do you _really_ think annoying me right now would be a good thing?"

As if to rub his defiance in my face, he replied, "It aes 'rally-ho'."

"You dumpy mush of a being."

We turned away from each other at the same time, harrumphing.

* * *

A good while later, I pulled a book from the sleeping tutor's pile and opened its old, dusty cover. It was a book of poetry, but the author's name was too faded to decipher. It didn't matter- I'd probably figure out who it was anyway after a poem or two.

I turned to a random page in the middle of the book, waving away the dust that flew back in my face.

_You're Not Alone_

_When the darkness falls, all that lies within_

_Shall rise and your past, with rage,_

_Will consume all._

_When you've lost your way,_

_Look not tw'ards the sky nor the dawn_

_For all sorrow tis all you'll find._

_Be not weary, soul, for your victory_

_Soon shall come; you shall find your way_

_In the blessed moonlight._

_When the dark of night_

_Will turn into morning light_

_Know that you're not alone._

_If all hope is lost_

_And you've yet to carry on_

_Know you're not alone._

_Every day goes by without a hope,_

_Not a smile; for my pain_

_Is the solace of your life._

_In all I've faced, ne'er have I seen_

_Your sweet, healing face;_

_My past is cold and you are the fire._

_Until that fated day, I wait_

_To see you there_

_Waiting by the river, watching out for me._

_Soon the light shall fade_

_And we are all that lingers still,_

_Know that you're not alone._

_In my fear and prayer,_

_I see your silhouette;_

_Tell me I'm not alone._

_I still linger on this world,_

_Awaiting for your reassurance,_

_Come back to me now,_

_and take me home._

At the bottom was something that surprised me more than the relation of my life to this poem were the Terran letters at the bottom. I was a little rusty in reading the cryptic language, but I finally made them out to be _Talendier_.

_Talendier_….why did that seem so familiar?

"Hey, Kuja, we're setting out!"

"I'm coming!" I called back. I quickly ripped out the page and stuffed it in my pocket.

Maybe the genomes, Zidane, Mikoto, and I weren't the only Terrans here.

* * *

"And no one on thi' freakin' con'inent 'as an airship?" Ruby gruffly asked, hoisting herself up a boulder. She stubbornly sat, glaring out at the horizon that was beyond beautiful- but no one wanted to care about _that_. All that mattered was getting back to Alexandria, to survey the damage and assure that something like that would not happen a third time.

Eiko sighed, sitting to rub her feet. "I swear to never wear high heels again."

Garnet nodded. "Boots- no matter how ugly or tacky."

I snorted. "I'd rather have the awful shoes than something like _that_."

It was silent for a minute, then Eiko snorted. It turned into a chuckle. Then a full out laugh. "I-I can't take it anymore! The sun! The heat! Kuja! I-I'm going insane out here!" She let out an echoing laugh that started a chain reaction for Vivi and Zidane. Soon the three of them were laughing uncontrollably while the rest of us simply gawked at them. The princess soon started a fit of gasping, her face red, still laughing. "A-and I th-thought it was funny! I thought th-that he said something funny! Insanity! Heat flashes! I think that…. That…."

Her face suddenly paled as she stared out. I turned, nearly doing a double take.

Eiko stood and pointed. "It's back."

My hands shook. I pressed them to my sides, turning to face _it_. "It's back… for me."

I shook my head. "And I guess _it_ didn't die after all."

* * *

"Steiner," Beatrix sighed, putting her hands on his shoulder. "They'll be back. This is King Zidane we're talking about."

The knight grimaced. "But there's that worthless Kuja with them. Who's to say he wasn't the one to teleport them away in the first place!?"

She was silent, looked out through the cracked window at the Alexandrians, Burmecians, and Linblumese working on reparations for the castle. Beatrix's one eye filled with tears at seeing the integrated citizens all joined for one cause. For sure, this had not happened since Kuja first terrorized Gaia. But… it was horrible that people only gathered to help one another in the worst cases. Any other time, when things on the surface were as peaceful as could be, people under that façade would be in such pain and agony over the horrors of people just as bad as the mage….

Shaking her head, Beatrix turned to check on the children downstairs. Not only were the royal family there, but Vivi's children as well. They had come in search of their father as soon as word of the disaster reached Thatch's Reach, a city of genomes and the surviving black mages (Mikoto had found a method to sustain their life-force using the same technology and science that had she had used to bring Kuja back), located on the mountain between Alexandria and Lindblum.

Steiner, slowly shaking his head, realized the biased remark he'd just said. Kuja was unconscious when he and the others had been bizarrely teleported elsewhere. The knight knew as well as everyone else that he had really went back through the castle- just like the king had- looking for anyone still inside.

Trace had told them so- before she too up and disappeared the next morning.

Steiner didn't trust that flamboyant woman. She had seemed too much like _him_ than he preferred. Trace Briars…. The actress had an awfully strange name, too. "Briars" reminded him too much of the Iifa tree.

And Trace only missed one letter from being "Trance".

That was proof enough, in his opinion, not to trust her.

* * *

Cici blinked her yellow mage eyes as Beatrix came down stairs, looking away from the building blocks she and Brahne had just been playing with.

Bibi, Gigi, Didi, and Mimi instantly flocked around her, asking about their father again. "No, I still haven't heard anything. I'm sorry, everyone."

Blank's face fell. "Any kind of news?"

The general shook her head. "None, except for matters about the castle I'm sure you wouldn't be interested in. Is… er, anyone hungry? Tired? Um…."

"We're fine," Kuja answered, aware she wasn't exactly experienced with a baby-sitting job. "You can go back upstairs, if you want. I'll make sure no one gets into trouble."

Beatrix smiled at the boy. "Thank you, Kuja. You're being so grownup in all of this. I bet your father would be proud if he were here."

His face went red and he went back to reading his book.

She chuckled and left for the city to lend a hand in the reparations.

* * *

Freya, followed by Fratley and a few other Dragoons, jumped down into the circle of waiting contractors. "There isn't much to salvage," the general reported. "Maybe some of the furniture- but most of it is burned."

"What about the paintings?" a young worker asked, already wincing from the expected answer.

Freya frowned. "Perhaps one or two."

He groaned, being an artist from Lindblum. No one else in the group really cared. They were stupid paintings- so what? Besides, the old, antique furnishings that had survived the first attack were much more important.

Downtrodden in their now-foolhardy attempts at saving anything, the workers, well, got to work.

* * *

"That's a biiiiiiiig meanie," Zidane whistled. I glared at him, then turned back to the small _thing_ in front of me. He chuckled and patted the jester's red hat.

Indignantly, Thorn glared up at him. "Watch out for yourself, you better…."

I snorted. "He's the stupidest king in all of Gaia's history. I don't think he'll be much of a threat to your little hat. Where's Zorn?"

"Right here is he!"

The blue jester suddenly appeared in front of us, making a _popping_ sound. "Right here I am!"

The two lackies bowed, bouncing around. "We are here to serve, Master Kuja!" "Here to serve, we are, Master Kuja!"

"Too bad. I'm not in the 'overlord' business anymore."

Their eyes widened. "What!?"

Zidane nodded, throwing an arm across my shoulders. Ignoring my scowl, he happily said, "Kuja's one of the good guys now!"

Zorn and Thorn exchanged incredulous glances. Then, hopping around, they made weird faces, trying to process this new fact. Finally, still bouncing, they nodded to each other and hopped up to me. "You are a traitor!" "A traitor, you are!"

"Yeah? So, what else is new?" I yawned. The two stopped, glowering at me. "What?" I demanded, looking between the twins. "Was I supposed to stay evil with you two munchkins, having tea parties every afternoon? Or was it playing hopscotch that you two liked to play so much? You're both just kids- too immature."

"_You're_ the childish one!" Zorn accused.

His brother replied, "The immature one, you are!"

Then, simultaneously, they stuck their tongues out at me.

"We going back to the Other master!" "Going back to the Other master, we are!"

I shrugged. Whoever this 'Other master' was, he didn't stand a chance against me. Well… when I got my magic back, he wouldn't stand a chance. I watched the two jesters (who should have been DEAD, just my luck) bounce away in horrified fury.

Eiko stomped her foot. "I hate those little guys! They need speech lessons!"

"Just like you need anger management lessons?" I sarcastically remarked, crossing my arms. "Let's just go and them be with their 'Other Master'." I snorted again. "So many posers…."

"A poser, Master is not!" Thorn cried indignantly.

Zorn scowled at me. "Master is much better than you were!"

I turned. "Then why did you come back?"

After another round of stupid bouncing, they replied, "Master wanted to see you!" "Wanted to see you, Master did!"

"Tell him I'm not available without a reservation."

"But Master is-"

"Tell him not, Zorn!"

"I am sorry! I forgot our orders!"

"Tell him who Master is we are forbidden! Forget you not!"

"SHUT UP!" Eiko screeched. She grabbed the back of their red and blue shirts and scowled at them. "I have had enough of this! Stop rambling and GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!"

Hurt, the two jesters frowned and _popped_ away.

"I'm famous."

Then with a rounded sigh, we set off again, all of us now having to deal with a migraine.

* * *

**I'll have chapter five up soon, which has a little controversy over letting Kuja sleep in....**

**Eh, you'll find out soon enough. PLEASE REVIEW! Your awesome comments are the total inspiration for all the comedy in this story, so please keep it up!**

**-WiREP**


	5. Chapter 5

**Ahh! I am sooo sorry for not updating this chapter soon enough! My excuse: My laptop finally killed off the virus it had for, like, three months, and I've been working on some others stories so much that I sort of lost the idea for this chapter.... But I finally got it. I'm determined to finish this fanfiction! Also, I have another new fic called Amaranth- a FFVII and FFIX crossover. Please check it out?**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

"Hey, Kuja!"

I snored, tossing over, and then snoring some more.

"Kuuuuuuuuuja!"

"Mngoaways…," I yawned. "Yit's tooearlyhs… ly… *yawn*."

Someone poked me in the back. Repeatedly. "Kuja Kuja Kuja Kuja Kuja Kuja Kuja Kuja Ku-"

"Maybe this should wait until later? You know, when he's awake enough to come chasing after us with big weapons and a really big temper?"

The second voice, newer, waited for the first voice to comply.

Finally, he grumbled, "Fine. But I wanna talk!"

"Suuuure you do. Don't wake him up, got it?"

The first voice gave the second a _pfffftttt!_

Then they left.

* * *

"Hey, Kuja!"

"GET THE HECK OUT OF MY TENT, ZIDANE!"

"Want some breakfast? Ruby and Garnet made it!"

I wearily threw my pillow at him. The ex-thief easily dodged it, grinning. "Someone's not a morning person~!"

Glaring the darkest glare I could, I stood, seething. "Yes, brilliant Zidane, I am _not_ a fudging morning person. Now please leave before I rip your cocky head off that beanpole body of yours?"

He shrugged, leaving. But he took the time to hang up the tent flap just so that sunlight trickled through. Irritably, I grabbed my pillow back and turned away from the wretched light, all the while ignoring Eiko and Ruby's giggles.

When they have to pull an all nighter keeping watch duty….

I still couldn't believe Zidane would be stupid enough to think I could handle that stupid job. He wasn't supposed to trust me that much. I was the big, scary villain. And I liked sleep! How else am I supposed to figure out where my magic went, why we ended up in the desert, and who Zorn and Thorn worked for when my mind is muddled by exhaustion? For crying out loud, I'm likely the only one who cares!

The least those stupid fools could do was allow me one good night's sleep.

Sighing, I went back to sleep.

* * *

_I still linger on this world,_

_Awaiting for your reassurance,_

_Come back to me now,_

_and take me home._

_But what happens if you don't have a home to go to?_

_This isn't my world- isn't my home. My home is gone. I seek only to see your face-_

_That's perfect. I'll use that._

Anorandi picked up her pencil and wrote down the first stanza of a poem. Talendier's work had always captivated the young dragoon. Her work wasn't nearly as good as his, but she tried.

After all, it did seem her "Loveless" act had been a hit: especially when Kuja played the part of Tersiah. It was funny to her that not once did he realize that Tersiah was based off of him.

But that was a past he didn't remember. Garland erased it, along with anything else that he believed would hinder the Angel of Death's mission on Gaia. That still didn't keep Anorandi away from him, though. She learned one of the most difficult spells known to any Terran, Gaian, or whatever else there was- the ability to change one's appearance. Anorandi played the part of Kuja's loyal silver dragon, pleased that he at least remembered her name. She followed him wherever he went, even witnessing the horrific destruction of the Mist continent and her beloved Terra. Watching with so many mixed emotions as Kuja ungraciously kicked Garland- injured, of all things!- over the edge.

The fall nearly killed him. Anorandi, much to the Time Overlord's gratification, was there to catch him, despite her own injuries from Kuja's brother and his strange group of companions. They were good; almost as good as Kuja.

She pressed pen to paper, venting her newest afflicting thoughts.

_What to do, which side to choose?_

_For one path leads to love, the other to peace:_

_Shall I follow the mage in his shoes?_

_Oh, will these conflicting feelings cease?_

_The azure skies are of little comfort,_

_But in your embrace I find the solace I long._

_Only you, my fair love, can heal my hurt;_

_Only you, my sweet one, can sing the song._

_Find me soon and change my ways_

_Before the future stains my hands._

_Let me loose myself in your gaze:_

_Find the will to walk with me on those sands._

_Bring hope back into my lonely life:_

_I need only to see your face to be well._

_Keep away the nightmares and strife,_

_And give a story that only time will tell._

_Never have I called your ideas mad,_

_For I love you enough to not amend._

"Remember the past we once had, and let our tale come to an end."

One tear fell onto the paper, and Anorandi ripped the paper out. With teary eyes, she reread the blasphemous words and crumbled her work, tossing it aside.

Foolish ramblings would never help anything- that had been proven long ago.

Letting out a wail, she transformed into a dragon and commenced trashing the elegant room Garland provided for her.

"This was the six room this week you've destroyed," the old man's voice reminded her from the mirror on her bed. "You need to control your emotions better."

She bit back the barbed comment about the Time Overlord and _his_ emotions and about where to stuff them. Instead, she tightly asked, "Will he ever remember?"

"Anorandi-"

"Answer me! Will Kuja ever remember what you erased!?"

Garland sighed. "Most likely he will not."

The dragoon steeled her resolve. "Then I see no problem in completely my task. Have you arranged everything?"

He nodded. "My spy is successfully leading them to the location you requested. They'll meet you there with that newfangled weapon I've sent them. Though as to why you chose there, I have no idea. It's not very rational."

She snarled and threw the mirror. "Shut up. I am completely in control as long as I complete my task. You told me yourself."

Not bothering to check if the magicked mirror was broken or not, she transformed again and flew off.

* * *

"Aww, sleeping beauty's awake!" Eiko gushed scornfully at me.

I tossed her a glare darker than the one I gave Zidane today. All at once, Ruby, Tot, Vivi, and Trace shivered.

Wait a minute.

I gasped, turning to her. "Trace! You're alright! And you're here! Why are you here!?"

She shrugged. "I was in the neighborhood and just so happened to run into the king and queen…."

"In the neighborhood?" I deadpanned. "Really, Trace?"

Trace Briars nodded, flipping her caramel hair over her shoulder. She must have been wearing another Trace-original- a white long sleeved tunic with a lily stitched on the front with a cascading pink skirt. It was short up front (not that I was looking or anything! Perverts….) and got longer in the back until it lightly brushed the dusty ground. She wore knee high golden boots that matched the fifteen or so golden belts she wore. Finally, she smiled ruefully. "Yes, really, _Kuja_. Didn't I tell you in Alexandria that I traveled a lot?"

"Um…," Eiko started.

Ignoring her, I sighed. "So they told you?"

She snorted. "I'm not blind like some fools- eh, no offence Rube. I saw through that stupid façade the moment I saw you."

I twisted my lips to hide my smirk, noticing that her nickname for Ruby was Rube. Apparently, none of the others (except Tot, also greatly amused, although he hid it much better than I) noticed the insult.

Trace continued, cocking her head slightly. "But I must say I'm surprised that you're out here. Just what are you all doing here, anyway? Shouldn't you two be at Alexandria? I heard it was attacked or something." She turned to Zidane and Garnet.

"Heard?" I gaped. "You were there! I saved your life!"

She gave me a blank look, uncomprehending. I slowly shook my head, gaping a little. "You don't remember us jumping out a window when everything exploded?"

Trace shook her head. "I wasn't in Alexandria at the time. I left the city right after my performance last week. I've been from here to Fossil Roo for the past week, picking up ideas for my new clothing line. Are you sure you weren't just disoriented and thought some random woman was me? Although I'm flattered…."

Eiko rudely interrupted with exasperated sigh. "Desert is hot: Kuja is not."

"Did you make up that rhyme all by yourself?" I asked in mock surprise. I pinched her cheek, making her draw back and hiss. "Isn't that just cute."

Eiko turned to everyone who chuckled. Zidane wasn't that modest and burst out laughing. The summoner angrily kicked his shin. "Stupid king," she muttered. "Can we go now?"

"I have my airship a little ways back there," Trace offered, pointing behind her.

Ruby fell down on her knees, beaming up at her. "Trace, darlin', did I eva' tell you I jus' love ya'?"

Trace chuckled and helped the "rube" to her feet. Eiko hugged onto her, also gushing out her thanks. "Ow, ow! Horn! Jabbing into my arm!"

"Ooh, sorry!"

* * *

"This is heaven!" Eiko exclaimed, flopping face first into the carpeted airship. It was relatively small, obviously built only for a few people. Amarant migrated into the lower compartments at first chance, the rest of us gathering around Trace to express our endless love for her impeccable timing.

If only she'd gotten here before the Dwarves….

* * *

"We're almost there!" Trace called, looking back at us.

Zidane, Garnet, and Eiko sat in the corner, giggling madly about something- something that didn't take long to figure out it was about me. We hadn't seen Amarant since departure. Tot and Ruby were in a heated match of tic-tac-toe, each determined to not get a tie. Vivi explained to Mikoto why calling friends a scumbag is not polite.

I had out that sheet of poetry again. I had to commit it to memory- that way, I could easily look up who Talendier was. Now I looked outside at the stretch of lake of city rolling into view. Without the foggy Mist, Alexandria looked so much more brighter- almost like a beacon to weary travelers like us. It hadn't been that way under Brahne's rule. Although she had been a kind soul before I corrupted her (she's dead! Why am I feeling so horrible about her!?), she was still a paranoid old hag, afraid of anything and anyone that could possibly want to take over.

Trace landed expertly outside the city walls. Already an expectant crowd was gathering. Zidane and Garnet rushed out first, Eiko trailing at their heels, the three of them receiving a great welcome home. The rest of us walked out unnoticed- which was fine by me. After the Kujaville incident, I'm not fame is such a good thing anymore….

The munchkins then ran out, nearly tackling us all to the ground. I noticed miniature Vivi's came too. Were they supposed to be his children or something?

"Hey!"

I turned to see a light haired woman standing at the back of the crowd, Zorn and Thorn at her side. I inwardly groaned. The poser.

She narrowed icy green eyes at me (ooh, soooo scary!) and stalked forward. The jesters bounced after her, grinning ear to ear at each other. Once in front of me, we both looked each other over.

"Kuja," she started, slowly.

I cocked an eyebrow. "No, you may not have an autograph."

Then, just by snapping her fingers, she morphed into a dragon in front of me. It was large and silver and….

"ANORANDI!?" I burst, gaping so low I'm sure my jaw literally brushed the ground. "Y-YOU WERE A GIRL THE WHOLE TIME!?"

Anorandi- _my Anorandi_- reared up and slashed at me.

What the heck?

* * *

**The end of this wasn't supposed to have Anorandi show up, but... well, I just felt like including a nice a little cliffy. Sorry about that! As always, please leave a nice little review! DON'T LET THAT PRETTY BUTTON GO TO WASTE!**

**-WiREP**


	6. Chapter 6

**I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN TWO MONTHS!!! I don't even have a good excuse this time, either! T.T**

**PLEEEEEEEEASE forgive me!**

**Disclaimer-- I don't own FFIX. Or LOST. (noooooooooo, Sun and Jin!!!!!!!!!!!! You CAN'T die! I FORBID it!)**

**Gah, so much sorrrrrroooooooowwwwwwwww!**

**Chapter 6-**

Someone let out a girlish squeal.

It took me a moment to realize the squeal came from me. I tried to compose myself, but as soon as another slobbery lick wiped my face I couldn't help but let out another.

Zorn and Thorn simultaneously sighed. "Told her ready was not, she," one muttered.

"That you did," muttered the other.

"GET THE HECK OFF ME!" I bellowed, fighting against the silver mass with all my strength. But, in case you didn't know, dragons are very hard to move. They're heavy. Very heavy. "DANG IT, ANORANDI, STOP LICKING MY FACE!"

Behind us I heard Brahne and Terra giggling like no tomorrow. "Zidane!" I called. "Get him- her, uh, it!- off of me!"

"Calm down, Kuja!" he said, practically giggling with the girls. "Weren't you ranting that you wanted a friend?"

I glared at him from beneath a slobbery mess. "I hate you."

The king grinned.

"But," Anorandi interjected, "I just wanted to find Kuja. That's it."

Wonderful! And all the psychopaths adore me! So…. WONDERFUL….

My eyeball twitched. "And you couldn't help but turn into a dragon and slobber me?"

She grinned, faintly blushing. "Er… sorry about that, Boss."

"I am not your boss!"

"Kuja, calm down! Sheesh, one would think you'd actually be a little happy for once, but apparently not," Zidane sighed, rubbing his temples.

I scowled at him, then turned to Anorandi again. "Why are Thorn and Zorn calling you their 'Other Master'?"

She shrugged. "Probably because I picked them up at Gurgu before I came to Alexandria."

"YOU PICKED THEM UP!?"

Sheepishly, she admitted, "I thought you'd want to have lackies again."

I now openly groaned, raising from my chair. "You thought I'd want to have my past bombard me again!? Whatever made you think I would ever want to go back to what I used to have?"

"Because these people are turning you into someone else."

I blinked, the words vanishing from my mouth. Anorandi looked up at me with cold eyes, and I realized that I was changing. But… was that a good thing? Or….

Obviously tired from the long journey and having to help pry a dragon off me, Zidane's face smacked onto the table, he starting to snore. I sighed and wrapped one arm over my shoulder.

And dear Bahamut was he heavy!

"Has that Qu been feeding you rocks!?" I hissed. Zidane didn't stir, except to only snort out another snore.

Groaning, I dragged him by the arms over to the door, kicking it open. "Ow!" someone whined.

"King moving through," I announced, not bothering to apologize seeing as it was Eiko. The princess of Lindblum scowled at me, then glared down at Zidane. Roughly, she grabbed the front of his shirt and tried to shake him awake.

Slapping his face didn't work either.

Neither did putting his sock to face.

Finally Eiko reached underneath him and pulled out his tail menacingly. "If you're not up by the count of three," she growled, "then this is going to be ripped off."

"Three…."

"You know, that really hurts," I said, wincing from the memory of a time I'd rather forget….

Ignoring me, Eiko put down a finger and said, "Two…."

Finally, she yelled, "ONE!" and yanked hard on his tail.

Zidane screamed like Brahne and Terra, kicking me in the face and punching Eiko. "WHAT THE FREAKING HECK WAS THAT FREAKING FOR!?" he screeched. "THAT IS CALLED SEXUAL HARRASMENT, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW! Good Lord, my tail!"

Eiko narrowed her eyes and started her reprimand. "You're the king of Alexandria! You do NOT fall asleep in a room with two of the world's most evil villains!"

"AND YOU DO NOT PULL ON SOMEONE'S TAIL!"

I yelped as she yanked down hard on my tail. "I just pulled on his!"

"THAT IS IT! SO HELP ME, AS SOON AS I GET MY MAGIC BACK YOU ARE TURNING INTO A FUDGING OGLOP!"

Eiko only grinned, yanking down hard again on both mine and Zidane's tail.

I winced sitting down at dinner that afternoon. Zidane wasn't even risking the tumultuous pain. Garnet cocked an eyebrow, looking between us. "What happened now?"

Grudgingly we admitted, "…We were violated."

"The tail?" she asked conversationally. What the heck was wrong with this woman!?

I gaped. "'The tail'!? 'The tail'!? Have you ever felt that much pain before!? HAVE YOU!?"

She blushed. "Sorry."

I slumped in my seat, rubbing the tip of my tail. "Yeah, so am I."

And as Eiko burst into maniacal laughter, Zidane and I lunged.

It turns out I still had a job working at Ruby's Theatre. While she and Trace scavenged the city for any available playwrights or acts, the rest of the troupe and I were subject to the worse few hours of our lives with Tantalus.

If I hear so much as an innuendo contributing to another "Yo momma" joke, a gender joke, OR a tail joke, I think I will rip the heads off of Baku, Cinna, Marcus, and Blank.

Really.

"You know," Blank started, leaning back in his chair (I resisted the urge to trip him out of it), "I've always wondered something…."

"Yeah? Why your mom's so da*^ fat?" Cinna offered.

Must not… kill….

"'Cuz she had you, I'd expect," Blank snapped. "Naw, I've always wanted to know why the he*$ Zidane always got the ladies! I mean, look us! We're sexy, man, and he… he…. Gah, it's driving me insane, you know!?"

"This is a normal conversation between the four of you?" I deadpanned.

Blank looked back at me, surprised. "What? Oh… um… well… see, we, uh, sort of…-"

Baku burst into obnoxious laughter. "That's why Zidane's king and ya'll ain't! Ya stutter too much!"

"Th-that's not true! I do not stutter!"

"I think ya just did!" Marcus crowed.

"Shuddup, Marcus!"

"Aw, little Blank's mad at us, Boss!" Cinna sniggered.

Palming myself, I got up and walked out of the theatre.

Just from one conversation, I believe I have lost about twenty brain cells. You know, you can't get those back. In fact, I think I'm a little scared now of how I'll be after a few more weeks of this….

_"Howdy thar, Kuj!" Zidane goofily cried._

_"Well, howdy thar, Zidane!" I stupidly replied._

I openly shuddered. That's it. I have to get out of this place. I have to get on the first airship that comes into Alexandria, I need to change my name and move to some remote continent Zidane, the Fan Girls, or my deranged dragon would not dare follow me to.

But where….

"Kuja!"

I turned around to one of the alleys behind me. I narrowed my eyes when I saw Zidane, waving me over urgently. And simply because of the sour mood his traveling pals put me into, I took my dear sweet time into walking over to him. "Yes, dear brother?"

He peeked out onto the street (right, Zidane. No one would DARE suggest the KING OF ALEXANDRIA would be up to any funny business in an ALLEY.) and, after assuring the coast was clear, turned to me solemnly. "Kuja, we've got a massive problem."

"Zorn and Thorn, Anorandi, and Eiko are not my problem; thus, you cannot hold me accountable to anything and/or anyone they massacre, desacrate, destroy, emotionally scar, and/or obliterate in my name or in spite of me," I stated, crossing my arms.

"This isn't about them. We think we know who set the castle on fire," Zidane started.

I cocked an eyebrow and leaned back against a brick wall. "Yes?"

Biting his lip, he said, "Well, Steiner thinks you did it, of course."

We both said, "The moron."

I bade him to continue. The stupid, obese knight had nothing well worth taking into consideration anyway. Holding up a finger for each name, he listed about five terrorists that had recently popped up on the Mist continent over the last ten years and were still quite active sadists. He also named off a bunch of other idiots, none of which I knew.

"I don't see what this has to do with me," I finally interrupted. "If no one is going to come after me with a pitchfork and torches, I see no reason why at all I should really care about this."

Zidane groaned. Behind his hand, he let out a muffled word.

"What was that?" I asked.

Scowling, he muttered it again.

I scowled back. "I cannot understand 'mutter', Zidane."

"We think it may be Trace!"

My eyes went wide, my mouth dropped open, and I had a very intriguing and totally ADD thought about seeing the Tantalus group swimming in acidic water containing mutant leeches that not only sucked blood, but also liked to bite off limbs with their abnormally sized jaws.

So I wasn't one of the best good guys to ever live, but….

But Trace was innocent. She was morally straighter than Garnet for Pete's sake! "Well, Zidane, you've got to fix this!"

He flinched. "What?"

"You couldn't possibly think Trace did it, could you!?" I burst, arms flailing wildly. "You've got to do something about this. She wasn't even there! I mean, I thought she was, but obviously the lack of oxygen from all the smoke-"

"Wait a minute. That's a main point, right there. You said before that you saved her, right? And then later she said that she was in Fossil Roo during the attack. Why was she even in the castle- if she ever was? I mean, the palace isn't exactly a inn," Zidane interrupted. He sighed and scratched the back of his irritably. "I've been gone only three days, and it feels like a year."

I also sighed. "Try waking up ten years after you die. It's a blast."

Zidane perked up. "Anorandi!"

"What?"

"Come on, follow me! I think I know what ha- ahhhhhhhhh!"

We skidded to a halt to see Anorandi in dragon form flying over head, spewing fire. "Darn dragon!" I cursed, hauling the king along behind me. Yelling into the theatre to warn the actors and buttheads, I shouted, "Hey! We've got a dragon on the loose! Everybody out!"

The Tantalus brothers all let out an echoing curse, knocking over various chairs and the table. "What the $%k is a d$% dragon doin' here!?" Blank sputtered, reaching the door first.

"Gah, I bet it was Anorandi who did it! She's been hiding out in Alexandria this whole time!" Zidane raged, pulling out two daggers from underneath his cloak. Did he always carry those around? He turned to me. "I hope you're ready for some serious magic, dude, because it's go-time."

I cleared my throat. "Two things, Zidane. One: don't ever say 'it's go-time' ever again. Two: I don't have my magic."

"You're… magic less…?"

"Yes."

Zidane looked back at the dragon with a fierce expression. With a sure nod, he declared, "We're royally screwed."

I clicked my tongue. "Sounds about right."

* * *

**Please remember to review, okay? Please? Pretty please? (Unleashes Terra and Brahne with the puppy-dog eyes) See? Even they want you to review!!**

**-WiREP**


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